I met this wonderful guy in October. We actually were at a bonfire and ended up talking all night. We began hanging out and talking every day. He told me from the start that he was not the relationship type and that commitment scared him. I told him that was okay because I was still healing from my breakup from 8 months prior. There was definitely a lot of chemistry between us and he began to do things that made me think he wanted more, even though he never said anything.
I was constantly googling ‘How to tell if as guy wants to be more than friends but is scared to make it official’ I must have read at least 100 articles, and he did all of the things those articles described. He got protective/jealous when he saw other guys hitting on me, he would call/text me every day, he would initiate contact, he never initiated/asked for sexual stuff, he introduced me to all his friends, etc. He told me that he liked me, he just didn’t want a relationship.
He went home for Christmas break and around New Year’s Eve, he started acting different. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he didn’t have feelings for me and that I deserved someone that wanted to be with me. I was hurt, but I told him thanks for being a gentleman about it and we parted on good terms.
Fast forward a month later, he texts me one night and said he did have feelings for me, he just got very scared and freaked out and that it has been killing him not talking to me. We talked things out and two weeks later, he made us official. I made sure I never pushed the relationship/commitment stuff.
Like before, he started to do things that showed me he really wanted to commit to me like spending time with me every day, canceling his plans with other people to spend time with me, telling me how special I was and how he had never felt this way about anyone. His biggest sign was when he took me home to meet his family and lifelong friends (many of them girls who are like sisters to him). They all approved of me and even invited me to come down and stay with them! His mom even told me he must be serious about me because he never brings girls home-not even in high school. One of his good friends told me that he always talks about me and even said “He loves you; he is just too scared to tell you. All he ever does is talk about you, almost to the point it is annoying”.
Last Friday, I told him I loved him. He told me he was not 100% ready to say that yet. He seemed fine over the weekend but Monday, he texts me and says “I’m sorry to do this but we just are not going to work. We are two different people who want two different things. I can’t give you what you want and need and it’s not fair to you. I never meant to hurt you. I’m going home for the summer (3 hours away) and I’ll be 21 going to bars next year and you won’t be old enough to go. I don’t want a girlfriend in college because that’s the time to have no regrets and I lost sight of that this semester with you. I just do not feel the same way towards you as you do me. I hope we can be friends. I’m so sorry.”
I was shocked and devastated. He texted me the next day and asked me if I was okay and told me he cared about me and is always here for me. He told me he was hurt too and that I was special to him. I am so confused and heartbroken. Please tell me what you think is running through his mind and why he suddenly cut things off.
Heartbroken and Confused
Dear Heartbroken and Confused,
According to you, this person said that he was not the relationship type and that commitment scared him, he told you that he liked you, but didn’t want a relationship, he told you that he was not 100% ready to say that he loved you, and he told you that he couldn’t give you what you want and that he didn’t want a girlfriend in college. You claim that you are wondering what is running through his mind, but it actually sounds like you’re just having a hard time accepting the reality of this situation.
I hear you saying that his friends told you that he loved you, but the fact is that he never said that. What he did say was that he didn’t feel the same way towards you as you did towards him. It seems like you’ve fallen for an old story that we tell women in our culture: if you keep being patient and showing men that you are worthy and lovable, eventually they will come around and make a commitment to you.
I think this quote from Maya Angelou might be helpful to you. “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them”. Maybe his friends like you, maybe he really likes spending time with you, maybe he talks about you all the time, maybe he even loves you, but he doesn’t want to have a committed relationship with you and he has been perfectly clear about that, so the other details become irrelevant.
Instead of wondering what is going through his mind, it might be more useful to ask yourself why are you pursuing a person who has made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with you. You said that you made sure that you never pushed the relationship and commitment stuff and this is confusing to me because it’s clear that this is what you really want.
My hope for you is that you will start believing in your own value as a person and stop ignoring your needs so that some guy will want to hang out with you. You want a commitment and a relationship, plain and simple, and I hope that you will have the courage to ask for that from the next guy that you date.